Month 6

Six months without my love.  Funny how slow but yet how fast time goes by.  In this time I have learned a lot.

I have learned:
I can do hard things. Yes, it's extremely uncomfortable and awkward but I can do it.
I LOVE listening to cello covers. Right now: Stay With Me &Pumped Up
The Lord has placed amazing people in my life. People who care about me & my kids.
Everyone has trials, I am not being picked on. My Karma is still in good standing.
Life is short, breath it in and be slow to exhale.  It may be my last breath.
I loved my husband more then I even realized. I know that he knows that.
FAMILY is most important.
I don't like to read as much as I thought I did. The same goes with talking on the phone.
Always open my windows when I fee like the world is closing in on me.
My imagination is horrifying as well as beautiful.
I can't do any of this alone.
I depend a great deal on my FAITH.
I like being alone and keeping to myself.
I HATE being alone all by myself.
I think more clearly and creatively when I should be sleeping.
My children are difficult, but they give the best hugs.
Music touches me in a way it never had before.
I can calm my thoughts.
I worry way to much. I don't except the things I cannot change.
God really is good.

Gone

Willow Pond where he died

My husband drowned.

He entered into the water to retrieve his RC boat then panic, hypothermia and shock set in and that was the last time I saw him alive. I used to ask Heavenly Father WHY him?  Then I was blessed with the gift of  peace. I was able to see and gain a better understanding of WHY... of why him.

My husband was a good man. I am forever thankful that he was mine and I was his. I truly would have done anything for him. The absence of him being in my life is felt ten fold. I hope that he knows how much I cared, how much I loved and how much I miss him.

It's hard to want to talk to his/my family and close friends. Not that I don't love them, because I do.  I just can't do the questions. The how are you doing.? How are the kids?  Does anyone really want the truth?  No. Not even I want to face the truth. I find peace in knowing that Isaac is where he should be. Isaac is taking care of his family from the other side. I have to just focus on this right now. I cant stop to analyze my reality.

 Not yet.

Monday

I woke up feeling the need to pray. It's not often I have the opportunity to have quiet time in my day. When I do, I generally like to spend it in deep thought or prayer. I felt the need to clear my plate so to speak. I have felt a lot of pressure as I have entered into widowhood. Everything...EVERYTHING is now on me. Having to deal with that and still grieving the loss of Isaac and trying desperately to be "strong" and carry my children through their own grief is literally exhausting. Oh, let's not forget to add on Jonah's on going health issues and behavioral problems and Morgan's learning disabilities that seem to be spinning out of control, the business I'm desperately trying to pull together, the remodel of my garage to create a classroom, my 4 hours of sleep each night, my job, fulfilling my daily responsibilities and church calling, and every LDS person I know talking about General Conf. which is just a HUGE reminder that Isaac has been dead for six months. It's to much for me. I can honestly say that I have reached my breaking point.

As I knelt at the side of my bed, bowed my head to reverently start a conversation with my Heavenly Father and I lost it. Nothing but tears and brokenness escaped me.

I could hear my littles start to wake so I ran into the bathroom and turned on the shower to finish my cry.  I pulled myself together, washed my hair, dressed and started on with my day. By 9am when I walked into my classroom that part of my morning had been forgotten. 11am rolled around I was doing my best to multi task as it is a short week and I had lots to do before I started Spring Break. I was listening and guiding a reading group while filing math assessments.  The group had left the table. I was looking at my list to see who was left and I froze. I felt the familiar pain I suffered through only 2 nights before. I stood up catching myself as I felt extremely dizzy. I walked to the front office. My breathing was noticeably fast and shallow. I was shaking and holding my chest trying to stay on my feet. I was having a heart attack! My boss ran to me as she could see the desperateness in my face. She drove me to the ER. I was trying to just hold my breath as the pain and pressure of  each breath was to much.  Then, just as fast as this horrific pain came into my body, it left. 12 minutes of hell.

We continued on to the ER anyways. After having an EKG and offering up 4 vials of blood all tests came back that I am healthy. I did not have a heart attack. I do not have blood clots I do not have high blood pressure or high cholesterol.

I have a panic disorder. I was having a PANIC ATTACK.

Tears

 

Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on

When we shall be forever with the Lord,

When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,

Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.

Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,

All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Lessons Taught. Lessons Learned.

  I'm grateful for much in this life. Lessons taught, lessons learned. I have grown so much, spiritually.  I could have never experienced this kind of growth by reading a manual or participating in a doctrine based class. I am who I am because of what I have been challenged with. 

All that being said... err, written, I find myself wondering if Isaac has spiritually out grown me. Will he still find my sense of humor funny (as sometimes I lean to be more crass)?  Will he still think I'm smart and witty? Will he remember how stubborn and difficult I can be? I wish I could shut my brain off of these thoughts. Of all thoughts.

Last night I found myself in a mix of sleep/daydreaming/awareness. I was watching "them" push the gurney into the fire in which his cremation would be finalized. I had never put any thought into that until last night, or was it early morning...?   I'm so weird.

I just miss that man of mine.  It's a lonely world. Though I see people daily, to talk, get the DL on what's happening in their lives etc. I have no one to just be real with. I find that in ALL of my relationships I am always looking at what I can do to help or fix something in their lives. What can I offer them? I recognize it's my deal, my issues.  With Isaac it was sooo different. Isaac was satisfied with me being me and I knew that I REALLY knew that. I never felt I HAD TO do anything but be his loving, supportive wife. Most days I loved that job. Today I would give anything to have it back.

No Title, Just Raw Emotions

Tomorrow is the 4 month mark. It's so strange. This whole new life is so strange.  Everyday I find new strength but in that same moment I lose some, or something from who I am or who I was. Tears fall more frequent down my face but I've mastered the time and place to let out these heavy emotions. This usually happens on my drive home from work or late at night when the rest of the world is sleeping. I've learned to dodge invasive questions that might make me break. I've also learned that there are some people who see right through my shit and can make me come apart with just a look. Like I said, this whole new life is so strange.

That's what I Do

Its been 3 months since Isaac died.

I find myself trying to gather all of the little pieces that are me, trying so desperately to put them back together. By month two, I was able to do this by noon each day. Today, I find myself struggling, dropping the pieces, losing myself in the loss, forgetting myself in the grief. It's the most heartbreaking place I have ever been to.  The fact that his life here on earth is over, is a painful realization.

I will push through this hell, that's what I do. Only this time it's going to take a bit longer. And I am going to take my time. I want to feel this. I want to truly feel how much I loved him. I want Heavenly Father to know that this celestial marriage was not in vain. I desperately loved Isaac with all that I had to give. We were truly infatuated with each other. In love from the beginning.

"They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it.

Death cannot kill what never dies"

--William Penn