I woke up feeling the need to pray. It's not often I have the opportunity to have quiet time in my day. When I do, I generally like to spend it in deep thought or prayer. I felt the need to clear my plate so to speak. I have felt a lot of pressure as I have entered into widowhood. Everything...EVERYTHING is now on me. Having to deal with that and still grieving the loss of Isaac and trying desperately to be "strong" and carry my children through their own grief is literally exhausting. Oh, let's not forget to add on Jonah's on going health issues and behavioral problems and Morgan's learning disabilities that seem to be spinning out of control, the business I'm desperately trying to pull together, the remodel of my garage to create a classroom, my 4 hours of sleep each night, my job, fulfilling my daily responsibilities and church calling, and every LDS person I know talking about General Conf. which is just a HUGE reminder that Isaac has been dead for six months. It's to much for me. I can honestly say that I have reached my breaking point.
As I knelt at the side of my bed, bowed my head to reverently start a conversation with my Heavenly Father and I lost it. Nothing but tears and brokenness escaped me.
I could hear my littles start to wake so I ran into the bathroom and turned on the shower to finish my cry. I pulled myself together, washed my hair, dressed and started on with my day. By 9am when I walked into my classroom that part of my morning had been forgotten. 11am rolled around I was doing my best to multi task as it is a short week and I had lots to do before I started Spring Break. I was listening and guiding a reading group while filing math assessments. The group had left the table. I was looking at my list to see who was left and I froze. I felt the familiar pain I suffered through only 2 nights before. I stood up catching myself as I felt extremely dizzy. I walked to the front office. My breathing was noticeably fast and shallow. I was shaking and holding my chest trying to stay on my feet. I was having a heart attack! My boss ran to me as she could see the desperateness in my face. She drove me to the ER. I was trying to just hold my breath as the pain and pressure of each breath was to much. Then, just as fast as this horrific pain came into my body, it left. 12 minutes of hell.
We continued on to the ER anyways. After having an EKG and offering up 4 vials of blood all tests came back that I am healthy. I did not have a heart attack. I do not have blood clots I do not have high blood pressure or high cholesterol.
I have a panic disorder. I was having a PANIC ATTACK.
Hooray for panic attacks! Boo for heart attacks. Panic attacks are a kind of outward expression of a different kind of heart attack. Your heart has been under attack, and it's fighting back in its own way. I used to have them, and the first one was just like yours: a trip to the ER with nothing to show once I got there. I would tell you to be strong, but you already are. I want to tell you that IT will get better, but IT won't. You will, however, go on, and going on will place IT in new and different settings and perspectives. Pay attention to them all; you need to experience IT in those contexts in order to learn from it. There is moving on, but no moving away. I wish I could swoop down and cover your little patch of earth and group of people with some magic something or other that would erase this. I can't, but I wish I could. Find love. You know how to do that.
ReplyDelete😢. My heart hurts because your heart hurts. Thank you for sharing this post. Love you!
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