Lessons Taught. Lessons Learned.

  I'm grateful for much in this life. Lessons taught, lessons learned. I have grown so much, spiritually.  I could have never experienced this kind of growth by reading a manual or participating in a doctrine based class. I am who I am because of what I have been challenged with. 

All that being said... err, written, I find myself wondering if Isaac has spiritually out grown me. Will he still find my sense of humor funny (as sometimes I lean to be more crass)?  Will he still think I'm smart and witty? Will he remember how stubborn and difficult I can be? I wish I could shut my brain off of these thoughts. Of all thoughts.

Last night I found myself in a mix of sleep/daydreaming/awareness. I was watching "them" push the gurney into the fire in which his cremation would be finalized. I had never put any thought into that until last night, or was it early morning...?   I'm so weird.

I just miss that man of mine.  It's a lonely world. Though I see people daily, to talk, get the DL on what's happening in their lives etc. I have no one to just be real with. I find that in ALL of my relationships I am always looking at what I can do to help or fix something in their lives. What can I offer them? I recognize it's my deal, my issues.  With Isaac it was sooo different. Isaac was satisfied with me being me and I knew that I REALLY knew that. I never felt I HAD TO do anything but be his loving, supportive wife. Most days I loved that job. Today I would give anything to have it back.