Fourteen years

The anxiety build up for this day has made me feel scared, weak, nauseous and alone.

Today would have been my fourteenth wedding anniversary.  It also marks 8 month's since he left this life for the next. It still feels like a misunderstood mistake. A dream I can't seem to wake from. 

On this Day 14 years ago, I married my 'skater boy' boyfriend. We married in the Salt Lake City  LDS Temple.  It was a beautiful Monday morning. Because we were still both residing in California, only a few people came out to witness this special day.  That was okay though. We would later have a ring ceremony back home in Santa Cruz.

My Aunts, Lillian and Lora, and my mom were in the bridal dressing room helping me get ready.  Isaac was on his side getting ready.  We were finally doing this! After dating for 3 years we were going to marry for time and eternity. I was 19 and Isaac was 24. We were ready to start this new adventure hand in hand.

It was 10am. It was go time! I remember feeling so excited. I was marrying my best friend.  I was sure that this is what I wanted!  But did Isaac?

10:10 Groom has not entered sealing room.

10:20 Groom cannot be located

10:22 Bride is asking temple workers to block all exits

10:30 Groom is located. Groom took detour. Groom got lost. Groom finds it funny. Bride pulling herself together. Aunts taking deep breaths. Mother of bride scolding groom for aging her in a 30 minute period of time.

10:35 Bride and Groom have a special heart to heart with family friend

11:00 Mr. & Mrs.

Then we took lots and lots of pictures and went to my grandmas courtyard for cake and visited with Amber, Bonnie, Mikayla, Jacob, uncle Rocky, aunt Nancy, Gma, Megan, some of Gma's friends and Isaac's 'Utah family' (to which I called these lovely folks for the first year of marriage ha ha) We had such a wonderful amazing day. We felt so much love and so many blessings. It was a very magical day.

Today I will Retrace those steps at the Salt Lake Temple. I will walk around temple square recalling the moments we shared that day. I hope he will be there with me celebrating our love.  But... if he stops for a detour... I will understand. For I feel him in my heart and I see him in my dreams.