I feel like I have entered into the twilight zone. I am going through the motions of today but can't pull my mind away from the tragic day of October 4, 2014. Including the days that led up and the days following that date.
One year ago today I lost my best friend. I didn't even get to say goodbye. There was no lingering kiss or holding of hands as he slipped away. No, I didn't get that. Instead I held his cold hand as I waited for him to be transported to the Medical Examiner. I hugged him so tight as his lifeless body rested on that bed. I took his arms and wrapped them around me. I kissed the inner part of his upper arm one last time. I stood up and left the room.
I was broken.
It's hard to fix broken things. Often in my life I will look at the broken item and form a logical response as to fix it or throw it out and replace it. Oh how I wish, broken me, could have just been replaced. Broken is a sadness that I am not good at. Broken is loneliness. Broken is broken.
I could not love myself as I didn't even know if I was still existing. I stayed in this fragile state for a good 5 months. I have a forever loving and giving mother who came and stayed with me. I had friends who cleaned my house and brought the kids and I dinners. I had strangers who sent cards and money to help with funeral costs. I have a huge family who called to check in with me and love me.
As the months went on I continued to have this bulk of support. I was reminded often of the love our Heavenly Father has for me. I saw these good deeds and I began to feel the prayers of others uplift me. I began to breathe again. I started noticing signs from my Isaac, reminding me he was and is still here. I began finding blessings in everyday. I understood the importance of family and friendships and that it was okay to ask for help... People want to help. Everyday I wake up to the reality of what is gone. It hurts. It is a pain unimaginable. Then I look around and I am quickly reminded of what is left in this life of mine.
Oh friends, I have felt and seen amazing love. I have found happiness once again. I feel joy in taking on new challenges. I have gained a burning testimony of the love God has for each and everyone of us. Yes, I know I have many hard days ahead and they seem to sneak up on me at various times when I should be feeling bliss. Still, I am grateful for those days as I am growing, learning and transforming.
Three hundred and sixty five days since I saw those kind blue eyes. It's hard. Being a young widow sucks. Being a single mom is challenging. Knowing that I have all of this love and support from you has made this doable.
Life truly is beautiful.
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| Isaac Andrews 9/27/76 - 10/04/14 |
I love your honesty and love your family. You are a beautiful soul inside and out. Love ya
ReplyDeleteValerie Gunther
What a honest and true picture of your feelings, strength and amazing you. Love and miss you.
ReplyDeleteLove you. <3
ReplyDeleteTears are slowly streaming down my check as I came across that you even had a blog. I love you so deeply and remember your broken. We all were broken for you. He will be missed by us all. I love that you shared you intimate last moment. That you weren't alone. He was right there wrapping you up in his arms. He knew of our saviors love. And felt it as your world melted slowly into a new one. I look at all the blessings that have come into your since. And how happiness has found you. I'm so blessed that you are in my life. Here I sit at four in the morning with quit tears rolling down my face. Yes Jess. I would read your book. Thank you for opening it to us.
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