Lessons Taught. Lessons Learned.

  I'm grateful for much in this life. Lessons taught, lessons learned. I have grown so much, spiritually.  I could have never experienced this kind of growth by reading a manual or participating in a doctrine based class. I am who I am because of what I have been challenged with. 

All that being said... err, written, I find myself wondering if Isaac has spiritually out grown me. Will he still find my sense of humor funny (as sometimes I lean to be more crass)?  Will he still think I'm smart and witty? Will he remember how stubborn and difficult I can be? I wish I could shut my brain off of these thoughts. Of all thoughts.

Last night I found myself in a mix of sleep/daydreaming/awareness. I was watching "them" push the gurney into the fire in which his cremation would be finalized. I had never put any thought into that until last night, or was it early morning...?   I'm so weird.

I just miss that man of mine.  It's a lonely world. Though I see people daily, to talk, get the DL on what's happening in their lives etc. I have no one to just be real with. I find that in ALL of my relationships I am always looking at what I can do to help or fix something in their lives. What can I offer them? I recognize it's my deal, my issues.  With Isaac it was sooo different. Isaac was satisfied with me being me and I knew that I REALLY knew that. I never felt I HAD TO do anything but be his loving, supportive wife. Most days I loved that job. Today I would give anything to have it back.

No Title, Just Raw Emotions

Tomorrow is the 4 month mark. It's so strange. This whole new life is so strange.  Everyday I find new strength but in that same moment I lose some, or something from who I am or who I was. Tears fall more frequent down my face but I've mastered the time and place to let out these heavy emotions. This usually happens on my drive home from work or late at night when the rest of the world is sleeping. I've learned to dodge invasive questions that might make me break. I've also learned that there are some people who see right through my shit and can make me come apart with just a look. Like I said, this whole new life is so strange.

That's what I Do

Its been 3 months since Isaac died.

I find myself trying to gather all of the little pieces that are me, trying so desperately to put them back together. By month two, I was able to do this by noon each day. Today, I find myself struggling, dropping the pieces, losing myself in the loss, forgetting myself in the grief. It's the most heartbreaking place I have ever been to.  The fact that his life here on earth is over, is a painful realization.

I will push through this hell, that's what I do. Only this time it's going to take a bit longer. And I am going to take my time. I want to feel this. I want to truly feel how much I loved him. I want Heavenly Father to know that this celestial marriage was not in vain. I desperately loved Isaac with all that I had to give. We were truly infatuated with each other. In love from the beginning.

"They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it.

Death cannot kill what never dies"

--William Penn