Gone

Willow Pond where he died

My husband drowned.

He entered into the water to retrieve his RC boat then panic, hypothermia and shock set in and that was the last time I saw him alive. I used to ask Heavenly Father WHY him?  Then I was blessed with the gift of  peace. I was able to see and gain a better understanding of WHY... of why him.

My husband was a good man. I am forever thankful that he was mine and I was his. I truly would have done anything for him. The absence of him being in my life is felt ten fold. I hope that he knows how much I cared, how much I loved and how much I miss him.

It's hard to want to talk to his/my family and close friends. Not that I don't love them, because I do.  I just can't do the questions. The how are you doing.? How are the kids?  Does anyone really want the truth?  No. Not even I want to face the truth. I find peace in knowing that Isaac is where he should be. Isaac is taking care of his family from the other side. I have to just focus on this right now. I cant stop to analyze my reality.

 Not yet.

Monday

I woke up feeling the need to pray. It's not often I have the opportunity to have quiet time in my day. When I do, I generally like to spend it in deep thought or prayer. I felt the need to clear my plate so to speak. I have felt a lot of pressure as I have entered into widowhood. Everything...EVERYTHING is now on me. Having to deal with that and still grieving the loss of Isaac and trying desperately to be "strong" and carry my children through their own grief is literally exhausting. Oh, let's not forget to add on Jonah's on going health issues and behavioral problems and Morgan's learning disabilities that seem to be spinning out of control, the business I'm desperately trying to pull together, the remodel of my garage to create a classroom, my 4 hours of sleep each night, my job, fulfilling my daily responsibilities and church calling, and every LDS person I know talking about General Conf. which is just a HUGE reminder that Isaac has been dead for six months. It's to much for me. I can honestly say that I have reached my breaking point.

As I knelt at the side of my bed, bowed my head to reverently start a conversation with my Heavenly Father and I lost it. Nothing but tears and brokenness escaped me.

I could hear my littles start to wake so I ran into the bathroom and turned on the shower to finish my cry.  I pulled myself together, washed my hair, dressed and started on with my day. By 9am when I walked into my classroom that part of my morning had been forgotten. 11am rolled around I was doing my best to multi task as it is a short week and I had lots to do before I started Spring Break. I was listening and guiding a reading group while filing math assessments.  The group had left the table. I was looking at my list to see who was left and I froze. I felt the familiar pain I suffered through only 2 nights before. I stood up catching myself as I felt extremely dizzy. I walked to the front office. My breathing was noticeably fast and shallow. I was shaking and holding my chest trying to stay on my feet. I was having a heart attack! My boss ran to me as she could see the desperateness in my face. She drove me to the ER. I was trying to just hold my breath as the pain and pressure of  each breath was to much.  Then, just as fast as this horrific pain came into my body, it left. 12 minutes of hell.

We continued on to the ER anyways. After having an EKG and offering up 4 vials of blood all tests came back that I am healthy. I did not have a heart attack. I do not have blood clots I do not have high blood pressure or high cholesterol.

I have a panic disorder. I was having a PANIC ATTACK.