I have such a great life. I have been blessed more then I deserve. I am thankful for every breath that I take. I have 3 beautiful children and a husband who loves me unconditionally. I still struggle with the hard days.
I can't explain the pain that has infected me. Why does grief continue to plague my heart? I have so much and yet I find myself still hurting. Isaac's death stole something from me.
I just want to heal.
Saturday, April 1, 2017
Sunday, October 4, 2015
One Year
I wish I could say that after one year without Isaac, I have become numb. I can't. I wish I could tell you my heart is no longer broken because I have met a wonderful man. I can't. I wish I could remind you that I can do hard things, but today, this week, this month, I can't.
I feel like I have entered into the twilight zone. I am going through the motions of today but can't pull my mind away from the tragic day of October 4, 2014. Including the days that led up and the days following that date.
One year ago today I lost my best friend. I didn't even get to say goodbye. There was no lingering kiss or holding of hands as he slipped away. No, I didn't get that. Instead I held his cold hand as I waited for him to be transported to the Medical Examiner. I hugged him so tight as his lifeless body rested on that bed. I took his arms and wrapped them around me. I kissed the inner part of his upper arm one last time. I stood up and left the room.
I was broken.
It's hard to fix broken things. Often in my life I will look at the broken item and form a logical response as to fix it or throw it out and replace it. Oh how I wish, broken me, could have just been replaced. Broken is a sadness that I am not good at. Broken is loneliness. Broken is broken.
I could not love myself as I didn't even know if I was still existing. I stayed in this fragile state for a good 5 months. I have a forever loving and giving mother who came and stayed with me. I had friends who cleaned my house and brought the kids and I dinners. I had strangers who sent cards and money to help with funeral costs. I have a huge family who called to check in with me and love me.
As the months went on I continued to have this bulk of support. I was reminded often of the love our Heavenly Father has for me. I saw these good deeds and I began to feel the prayers of others uplift me. I began to breathe again. I started noticing signs from my Isaac, reminding me he was and is still here. I began finding blessings in everyday. I understood the importance of family and friendships and that it was okay to ask for help... People want to help. Everyday I wake up to the reality of what is gone. It hurts. It is a pain unimaginable. Then I look around and I am quickly reminded of what is left in this life of mine.
Oh friends, I have felt and seen amazing love. I have found happiness once again. I feel joy in taking on new challenges. I have gained a burning testimony of the love God has for each and everyone of us. Yes, I know I have many hard days ahead and they seem to sneak up on me at various times when I should be feeling bliss. Still, I am grateful for those days as I am growing, learning and transforming.
Three hundred and sixty five days since I saw those kind blue eyes. It's hard. Being a young widow sucks. Being a single mom is challenging. Knowing that I have all of this love and support from you has made this doable.
Life truly is beautiful.
I feel like I have entered into the twilight zone. I am going through the motions of today but can't pull my mind away from the tragic day of October 4, 2014. Including the days that led up and the days following that date.
One year ago today I lost my best friend. I didn't even get to say goodbye. There was no lingering kiss or holding of hands as he slipped away. No, I didn't get that. Instead I held his cold hand as I waited for him to be transported to the Medical Examiner. I hugged him so tight as his lifeless body rested on that bed. I took his arms and wrapped them around me. I kissed the inner part of his upper arm one last time. I stood up and left the room.
I was broken.
It's hard to fix broken things. Often in my life I will look at the broken item and form a logical response as to fix it or throw it out and replace it. Oh how I wish, broken me, could have just been replaced. Broken is a sadness that I am not good at. Broken is loneliness. Broken is broken.
I could not love myself as I didn't even know if I was still existing. I stayed in this fragile state for a good 5 months. I have a forever loving and giving mother who came and stayed with me. I had friends who cleaned my house and brought the kids and I dinners. I had strangers who sent cards and money to help with funeral costs. I have a huge family who called to check in with me and love me.
As the months went on I continued to have this bulk of support. I was reminded often of the love our Heavenly Father has for me. I saw these good deeds and I began to feel the prayers of others uplift me. I began to breathe again. I started noticing signs from my Isaac, reminding me he was and is still here. I began finding blessings in everyday. I understood the importance of family and friendships and that it was okay to ask for help... People want to help. Everyday I wake up to the reality of what is gone. It hurts. It is a pain unimaginable. Then I look around and I am quickly reminded of what is left in this life of mine.
Oh friends, I have felt and seen amazing love. I have found happiness once again. I feel joy in taking on new challenges. I have gained a burning testimony of the love God has for each and everyone of us. Yes, I know I have many hard days ahead and they seem to sneak up on me at various times when I should be feeling bliss. Still, I am grateful for those days as I am growing, learning and transforming.
Three hundred and sixty five days since I saw those kind blue eyes. It's hard. Being a young widow sucks. Being a single mom is challenging. Knowing that I have all of this love and support from you has made this doable.
Life truly is beautiful.
 |
| Isaac Andrews 9/27/76 - 10/04/14 |
Thursday, June 4, 2015
Fourteen years
The anxiety build up for this day has made me feel scared, weak, nauseous and alone.
Today would have been my fourteenth wedding anniversary. It also marks 8 month's since he left this life for the next. It still feels like a misunderstood mistake. A dream I can't seem to wake from.
On this Day 14 years ago, I married my 'skater boy' boyfriend. We married in the Salt Lake City LDS Temple. It was a beautiful Monday morning. Because we were still both residing in California, only a few people came out to witness this special day. That was okay though. We would later have a ring ceremony back home in Santa Cruz.
My Aunts, Lillian and Lora, and my mom were in the bridal dressing room helping me get ready. Isaac was on his side getting ready. We were finally doing this! After dating for 3 years we were going to marry for time and eternity. I was 19 and Isaac was 24. We were ready to start this new adventure hand in hand.
It was 10am. It was go time! I remember feeling so excited. I was marrying my best friend. I was sure that this is what I wanted! But did Isaac?
10:10 Groom has not entered sealing room.
10:20 Groom cannot be located
10:22 Bride is asking temple workers to block all exits
10:30 Groom is located. Groom took detour. Groom got lost. Groom finds it funny. Bride pulling herself together. Aunts taking deep breaths. Mother of bride scolding groom for aging her in a 30 minute period of time.
10:35 Bride and Groom have a special heart to heart with family friend
11:00 Mr. & Mrs.
Then we took lots and lots of pictures and went to my grandmas courtyard for cake and visited with Amber, Bonnie, Mikayla, Jacob, uncle Rocky, aunt Nancy, Gma, Megan, some of Gma's friends and Isaac's 'Utah family' (to which I called these lovely folks for the first year of marriage ha ha) We had such a wonderful amazing day. We felt so much love and so many blessings. It was a very magical day.
Today I will Retrace those steps at the Salt Lake Temple. I will walk around temple square recalling the moments we shared that day. I hope he will be there with me celebrating our love. But... if he stops for a detour... I will understand. For I feel him in my heart and I see him in my dreams.
Today would have been my fourteenth wedding anniversary. It also marks 8 month's since he left this life for the next. It still feels like a misunderstood mistake. A dream I can't seem to wake from.
On this Day 14 years ago, I married my 'skater boy' boyfriend. We married in the Salt Lake City LDS Temple. It was a beautiful Monday morning. Because we were still both residing in California, only a few people came out to witness this special day. That was okay though. We would later have a ring ceremony back home in Santa Cruz.
My Aunts, Lillian and Lora, and my mom were in the bridal dressing room helping me get ready. Isaac was on his side getting ready. We were finally doing this! After dating for 3 years we were going to marry for time and eternity. I was 19 and Isaac was 24. We were ready to start this new adventure hand in hand.
It was 10am. It was go time! I remember feeling so excited. I was marrying my best friend. I was sure that this is what I wanted! But did Isaac?
10:10 Groom has not entered sealing room.10:20 Groom cannot be located
10:22 Bride is asking temple workers to block all exits
10:30 Groom is located. Groom took detour. Groom got lost. Groom finds it funny. Bride pulling herself together. Aunts taking deep breaths. Mother of bride scolding groom for aging her in a 30 minute period of time.
10:35 Bride and Groom have a special heart to heart with family friend
11:00 Mr. & Mrs.
Then we took lots and lots of pictures and went to my grandmas courtyard for cake and visited with Amber, Bonnie, Mikayla, Jacob, uncle Rocky, aunt Nancy, Gma, Megan, some of Gma's friends and Isaac's 'Utah family' (to which I called these lovely folks for the first year of marriage ha ha) We had such a wonderful amazing day. We felt so much love and so many blessings. It was a very magical day.
Today I will Retrace those steps at the Salt Lake Temple. I will walk around temple square recalling the moments we shared that day. I hope he will be there with me celebrating our love. But... if he stops for a detour... I will understand. For I feel him in my heart and I see him in my dreams.
Saturday, April 4, 2015
Month 6
Six months without my love. Funny how slow but yet how fast time goes by. In this time I have learned a lot.
I have learned:
I can do hard things. Yes, it's extremely uncomfortable and awkward but I can do it.
I LOVE listening to cello covers. Right now: Stay With Me &Pumped Up
The Lord has placed amazing people in my life. People who care about me & my kids.
Everyone has trials, I am not being picked on. My Karma is still in good standing.
Life is short, breath it in and be slow to exhale. It may be my last breath.
I loved my husband more then I even realized. I know that he knows that.
FAMILY is most important.
I don't like to read as much as I thought I did. The same goes with talking on the phone.
Always open my windows when I fee like the world is closing in on me.
My imagination is horrifying as well as beautiful.
I can't do any of this alone.
I depend a great deal on my FAITH.
I like being alone and keeping to myself.
I HATE being alone all by myself.
I think more clearly and creatively when I should be sleeping.
My children are difficult, but they give the best hugs.
Music touches me in a way it never had before.
I can calm my thoughts.
I worry way to much. I don't except the things I cannot change.
God really is good.
I have learned:
I can do hard things. Yes, it's extremely uncomfortable and awkward but I can do it.
I LOVE listening to cello covers. Right now: Stay With Me &Pumped Up
The Lord has placed amazing people in my life. People who care about me & my kids.
Everyone has trials, I am not being picked on. My Karma is still in good standing.
Life is short, breath it in and be slow to exhale. It may be my last breath.
I loved my husband more then I even realized. I know that he knows that.
FAMILY is most important.
I don't like to read as much as I thought I did. The same goes with talking on the phone.
Always open my windows when I fee like the world is closing in on me.
My imagination is horrifying as well as beautiful.
I can't do any of this alone.
I depend a great deal on my FAITH.
I like being alone and keeping to myself.
I HATE being alone all by myself.
I think more clearly and creatively when I should be sleeping.
My children are difficult, but they give the best hugs.
Music touches me in a way it never had before.
I can calm my thoughts.
I worry way to much. I don't except the things I cannot change.
God really is good.
Tuesday, March 31, 2015
Gone
Willow Pond where he died
My husband drowned.
He entered into the water to retrieve his RC boat then panic, hypothermia and shock set in and that was the last time I saw him alive. I used to ask Heavenly Father WHY him? Then I was blessed with the gift of peace. I was able to see and gain a better understanding of WHY... of why him.
My husband was a good man. I am forever thankful that he was mine and I was his. I truly would have done anything for him. The absence of him being in my life is felt ten fold. I hope that he knows how much I cared, how much I loved and how much I miss him.
It's hard to want to talk to his/my family and close friends. Not that I don't love them, because I do. I just can't do the questions. The how are you doing.? How are the kids? Does anyone really want the truth? No. Not even I want to face the truth. I find peace in knowing that Isaac is where he should be. Isaac is taking care of his family from the other side. I have to just focus on this right now. I cant stop to analyze my reality.
Not yet.
Monday
I woke up feeling the need to pray. It's not often I have the opportunity to have quiet time in my day. When I do, I generally like to spend it in deep thought or prayer. I felt the need to clear my plate so to speak. I have felt a lot of pressure as I have entered into widowhood. Everything...EVERYTHING is now on me. Having to deal with that and still grieving the loss of Isaac and trying desperately to be "strong" and carry my children through their own grief is literally exhausting. Oh, let's not forget to add on Jonah's on going health issues and behavioral problems and Morgan's learning disabilities that seem to be spinning out of control, the business I'm desperately trying to pull together, the remodel of my garage to create a classroom, my 4 hours of sleep each night, my job, fulfilling my daily responsibilities and church calling, and every LDS person I know talking about General Conf. which is just a HUGE reminder that Isaac has been dead for six months. It's to much for me. I can honestly say that I have reached my breaking point.
As I knelt at the side of my bed, bowed my head to reverently start a conversation with my Heavenly Father and I lost it. Nothing but tears and brokenness escaped me.
I could hear my littles start to wake so I ran into the bathroom and turned on the shower to finish my cry. I pulled myself together, washed my hair, dressed and started on with my day. By 9am when I walked into my classroom that part of my morning had been forgotten. 11am rolled around I was doing my best to multi task as it is a short week and I had lots to do before I started Spring Break. I was listening and guiding a reading group while filing math assessments. The group had left the table. I was looking at my list to see who was left and I froze. I felt the familiar pain I suffered through only 2 nights before. I stood up catching myself as I felt extremely dizzy. I walked to the front office. My breathing was noticeably fast and shallow. I was shaking and holding my chest trying to stay on my feet. I was having a heart attack! My boss ran to me as she could see the desperateness in my face. She drove me to the ER. I was trying to just hold my breath as the pain and pressure of each breath was to much. Then, just as fast as this horrific pain came into my body, it left. 12 minutes of hell.
We continued on to the ER anyways. After having an EKG and offering up 4 vials of blood all tests came back that I am healthy. I did not have a heart attack. I do not have blood clots I do not have high blood pressure or high cholesterol.
I have a panic disorder. I was having a PANIC ATTACK.
As I knelt at the side of my bed, bowed my head to reverently start a conversation with my Heavenly Father and I lost it. Nothing but tears and brokenness escaped me.
I could hear my littles start to wake so I ran into the bathroom and turned on the shower to finish my cry. I pulled myself together, washed my hair, dressed and started on with my day. By 9am when I walked into my classroom that part of my morning had been forgotten. 11am rolled around I was doing my best to multi task as it is a short week and I had lots to do before I started Spring Break. I was listening and guiding a reading group while filing math assessments. The group had left the table. I was looking at my list to see who was left and I froze. I felt the familiar pain I suffered through only 2 nights before. I stood up catching myself as I felt extremely dizzy. I walked to the front office. My breathing was noticeably fast and shallow. I was shaking and holding my chest trying to stay on my feet. I was having a heart attack! My boss ran to me as she could see the desperateness in my face. She drove me to the ER. I was trying to just hold my breath as the pain and pressure of each breath was to much. Then, just as fast as this horrific pain came into my body, it left. 12 minutes of hell.
We continued on to the ER anyways. After having an EKG and offering up 4 vials of blood all tests came back that I am healthy. I did not have a heart attack. I do not have blood clots I do not have high blood pressure or high cholesterol.
I have a panic disorder. I was having a PANIC ATTACK.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Tears
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Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
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